


Ghost

by wedtomymisery



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-01-07 00:02:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18399044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wedtomymisery/pseuds/wedtomymisery
Summary: Noel is a fucking mess without Julian.The title and last sentence from this are from a song called Ghost by the band Badflower. I started writing this before I heard the song but the song actually really fits. I recommend it.





	1. Ghost

**Author's Note:**

> TW for self harm and suicide! Please do not read if you think this will upset you x  
> I'm sorry if there's any spelling mistakes in this, I really should get someone to read this before I post it on here 😂 x

Noel was sat on his bed, crying. He hadn't been this unhappy in a while. This time last year had been the happiest he'd ever been. But now Julian was gone, and he had taken that happiness away with him. Noel was nothing without him, it was cliché but so very true. He layed down on his bed and thought back to a couple of months ago. 

He and Julian were in the kitchen, laughing, having fun. They were attempting to make pancakes but they were failing miserably.  Julian started crimping about pancakes while Noel laughed and stared lovingly at him before joining in. Sometimes he was so perfect. When the light from the window in the kitchen shone at him, he looked breathtakingly beautiful. He had no idea how truly gorgeous he was, Noel felt very lucky to have him as a boyfriend.

He didn't understand why Julian had picked him out of thousands of people to be his lover. Noel paled in comparison to Julian. He wasn't as intellectual as he was, and everyone he ever met liked him instantly. The only thing that got Noel noticed was his flashy clothes and long hair. After several attempts, the pancakes they had made looked edible, and they were surprisingly tasty. They giggled as they ate them and shared a kiss across the table.

Noel sighed and wiped his eyes. He was so very tired. Life was a struggle and he didn't have anything to keep him going anymore. Julian was the love of his life, but he had gotten bored like everyone else and left him. Noel had no idea what he had done to make Julian decide he wasn't worth his time anymore, he suspected it was because he never enjoyed the nights out that Noel seemed to love. He would stay in the corner and wait for Noel to decide he was done, Noel always said he didn't mind it when he did that, but after a while it was boring and he was fed up of comforting him. Maybe that was why Julian said he couldn't take it anymore, and moved out a month ago.

Noel looked under his bed and pulled out his trusty, familiar shoebox, which contained something he had not used in a long time. Inside it was where he had kept some spare blades, just in case life got too much for him, and he needed something to stop and satisfy the ache inside him. He was so glad he had kept them and was almost in a trance as he picked one up and watched the light from on the ceiling reflect off of it. 

Noel wondered whether they would still be sharp after they had been in the box for so long. The last time he had cut himself was nearly 2 years ago, and he was very proud of himself, but he wouldn't let anyone know that. He remembered the day vividly when Julian had walked in on him cutting. 

They were best friends at this point, and Julian had no idea what Noel did to himself. Somehow Noel had been able to hide it with his colourful longsleeve shirts he loved so much and an array of bracelets. Noel had forgotten he had given Julian a spare key to his apartment and Julian had walked in on him desperately slashing at his arms and wrists in his bathroom. Julian had stared at him in shock, and let out a pained sob. Noel had looked up in horror at the sound and dropped the blade. He couldn't believe this was happening, he had been so careful with hiding it. "I can explain!" he said desperately, trying to look around for a towel to clean up the blood, and to hide his arm away from Julian.

"Why have you done this to yourself, little man?" Julian asked, looking as broken as Noel felt. "Everything is too much" sobbed Noel, "I'm so unhappy all of them time and I don't know why. This is the only thing that helps me, I need it to stay sane". Julian sat down next to him and took the blade away from Noel , and flushed it down the toilet. 

"Let me help you" pleaded Julian, "You're my best friend and I love you!"

"O- okay", stuttered Noel as he wiped his eyes with the hand that wasn't covered in blood. After a while when the blood had stopped flowing, Noel lifted the towel and felt sick. The cuts were deeper than he normally did, he probably needed stitches. He didn't want Julian to see them. He tried to get up without Julian noticing but it was no use. Julian had taken him to the hospital and stayed while he got stitches.  He promised he would never do it again but here he was.

Noel tried to think about this rationally, did he really want to relapse because of this? He had worked so hard to get to this point. Yes, yes he did want to. Cutting was an addiction and he was still addicted. 

When he's alone he loses himself and he wanted to lose himself in this. He looked down at what he was wearing and decided to take his shirt off, he did not want to get blood on it. He picked the blade up again and went to town on his wrists. He really didn't care whether he lived or died at this point. 

Julian had given his life meaning, and so much pure unadulterated happiness, he literally was nothing without him. Tears dropped off his face and his vision became extremely blurry, but he didn't really need to see what he was doing, cutting was something he had been doing for years. His arm was covered in blood but he couldn't stop. 

He finally felt real, the blood meant he was alive. He was finally controlling the pain that had plagued him every second since Julian had left. He deserved this. He deserved every single bad thing that had ever happened to him in his life. He was a piece of shit. Julian had finally seen that. He couldn't handle how mentally unstable Noel was and he finally ditched him. It all made sense now.

Noel switched to his other arm, it seemed so empty, he began slashing at it. He wanted to bleed out. Life was pain and he was bored of it. Any time something good happened something 10x worse did. Noel knew he should be on medication because this wasn't normal but he couldn't find it within himself to care. God he fucking missed Julian. His arms were becoming numb. His vision was becoming distorted. Blood was absolutely everywhere. Black spots seemed like the were dancing on his arms. Was he dying? He hoped he was. His heart was beating so fast before but now it was quickly slowing down.

He finally felt at peace. What a way to go, he thought to himself. Why hadn't he done this sooner? It finally stopped the noise and chaos in his head. It used to so pretty loud, and now, nothing.

This life is overwhelming and Noel was ready for the next one.


	2. The Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I wasn't planning on doing a second part but y'all on insta seemed to love the first part haha x

His funeral was everything he wanted it to be when he was alive. There was beautiful coloured flowers everywhere and all of his friends were there. Everyone cried and said how lovely he was and how much they missed him. He wondered if they had said it to him when he was alive whether he would of killed himself or not. He hadn't actually meant to do it but when he felt himself slipping away he couldn't find it within himself to care. He still couldn't believe he was dead. He had tried to kill himself numerous times before his actual death, but the one time he didn't mean to it worked. 

He had to read a newspaper to see who found him and it broke his heart to see that it was Mike. His baby fucking brother had found his dead body, and screamed so loudly that Noel's neighbours had come running with a baseball bat in their hands thinking that someone was being attacked. They had to ring the ambulance for Mike because he couldn't get a word out. His whole world had come crashing down around him. His older brother was already dead by the time Mike had got there, and there was nothing that he or the medics could do to bring Noel back.

Fuck sake why hadn't he left a letter? He knew it was only a matter of time before he left for good so why hadn't the though of leaving a letter for Mike cross his mind? He was that much of a shit person he didn't even leave a letter for his brother, and then his brother walked into his apartment to find his bedroom looking like a fucking murder scene with his blood on nearly every surface. 

Thinking like this wouldn't change anything. He was dead, end of story. He looked around and saw Julian sitting in the corner with a bottle of whiskey in his shaking hands. He looked awful. His hair was greasy, he needed a shave and his eyes were red with huge purple bags underneath them. Julian looked how Noel felt before he died. 

Surely Julian had known that Noel was completely dependent on him. He couldn't survive without him. They were like ying and yang, 2 peas in a fucking pod, they were meant to be and then Julian had left because Noel fucked it up like he fucked everything up. 

For once Noel was glad nobody could see him, when he was alive he thrived on attention, but dead- he liked it that he could be seen only when he wanted to be seen. 

He sat near Julian, he was surprised he had come. This was the closest he had been to him in a while. He was shocked when Julian flinched and then shivered. He couldn't feel him could he? He couldn't ponder it anymore because at that moment Mike sat next to Julian, and took a swig from his whiskey. They shared a sad smile and sat in silence. 

Mike was the first to break it when he said, "I fucking miss him".   
It took Julian a few seconds to process what Mike had said because he had been drinking all day and his mind wouldn't stop racing. Mike looked at him just in time to see tears race down Julian's face.   
Noel smiled as Mike wrapped his arms around Julian to comfort him. Mike had always been so caring and kind to Julian, he was glad to see that he still was even though Noel was gone, and if anyone need comforting, it was Mike. He was ignoring his own needs in favour of comforting Julian.  
"I should never have left", Julian said as he looked at Mike, "I knew he was vulnerable, but I thought he would be okay".   
Mike looked up at him but stayed silent. Truthfully, he did blame Julian for it, but he didn't have it in him to say it to Julian, he was scared that would push him to the edge. Finally he said, "Why didn't you tell me about his self harm? I could've gotten him help for it, we could've done something!" Towards the end of the sentence he raised his voice, and some people looked over but at this point he couldn't find it within himself to care, Julian tried to speak but Mike didn't let him, "Noel is gone", Mike's voice broke but he carried on "I never got the chance to say goodbye". With that Mike walked off, leaving Julian to sob into his sleeve.   
.   
Noel watched all of this happen and desperately wished he could do something to make all of this okay. He wouldn't wish all the pain he felt on his worst enemy. If he hadn't of been so weak in the first place none of this would've happened.  
How come he wasn't dead dead? He shouldn't be able to think, shouldn't be able to see and hear and smell. Shouldn't be able to see utterly devastated his family and friends were. When you die, you stay dead. So why was he a ghost? He never wanted this. Never asked for this. Did he have some unfinished business? He didn't think so. He couldn't change what had happened and he was at peace with that. 

****************

That was 20 years ago. Noel had watched over Julian for 20 years and now Julian was in hospital, he was 71 years old and didn't have much time left. His family and friends including his children he had with a woman he couldn't love were there with him, as well as Dave and Mike. He couldn't concentrate on them, his eyes were unfocussing and he thought he could see Noel. His eyes were wet but he was smiling. Julian wanted to reach out and touch him, but the nurses rushed in and began to faf around him. He panicked, he couldn't bare it if Noel disappeared on him again, it broke him the first time and he never really healed from it. He married and had twins with Julia, but that was because she wanted to have a family before it became too late. It was getting harder to breathe. His time was finally up. The machine he was hooked up to became obnoxious in it's beeping and then everything became silent.

His boys began to cry, and Julia wrapped her arms around them. Everyone knew that Julian had waited for this moment ever since Noel's funeral 20 years ago. He was going to be so much happier in death than he ever was in life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and coming on the journey with me! It means a lot x  
> Also if I made anyone cry can you let me know? I wanted this to be really sad but my writing is shit 😂🤦🏻♀️

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments would be nice but if you don't want to, no worries! Xx


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